The Golden Time of Day Podcast

6: The Pursuit of Purpose ft. Melissa Davis

• Portia Nisbeth • Season 1 • Episode 6

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This week, Melissa Davis shares her journey of overcoming grief and embracing the pursuit of purpose. From a love for fashion to navigating life's personal and professional challenges, including the unexpected loss of her father, Melissa embodies the essence of transformation.  Listen to her story of courage on our latest episode. 

Portia:

Hey, y'all, it's Portia and this is the golden time of day podcast. I have another special guest in the house today, and I know I usually jump right into my guests introducing themselves, but I'm just going to give a brief background. Melissa Davis is our guest today and. Melissa and I have known each other since 1997, 9th grade in high school. So what's that? About 27 years? We do the math. sounds like a really long time and it is, but yeah, it's Melissa and I have been friends for a very long time and I am. I'm extremely excited to have her here today to talk about life, the lessons, the blessings, the ups, the downs in her golden time of day. So let's kick this off. Melissa. Hi. Hi. Thanks for being here with me. This is so crazy. I know.

Melissa:

Like you just said, like we've known each other since 90s. That's crazy to even say it that way. I know. Cause like internally, I don't feel the age that we are at all

Portia:

the other day and we talk

Melissa:

all the time.

Portia:

Yeah. And the other day I had to like, say my age out loud to somebody and I was taken aback when I said it, I was like, Oh, okay. That's real. Um, but yes, here we are 41 and fabulous about to get this coming. I know. Right. Okay. So, let's go. Who is Melissa Davis?

Ooh.

Melissa:

So, you know, most of us are multi dimensional, right? So, when I think about Melissa Davis, Melissa A. Davis, I always put the middle initial. Because Melissa and Davis are two extremely common names, right? How many Melissa's do you know? And how many people do you know that have the last name Davis? So, to set myself apart, I always make sure I put the A in, which has now turned into like a brand, M A D, you know, I've been what, Mad Fab or Mad Fab Style or since AOL days, you want to talk about them since 97, A I M, like I've always used my initials to kind of brand myself. So, that's a huge part of who I am, is my name and who I am, I'm an only child to Charles and Sharon Davis. And being an only child, I'm very close. was very close with both of my parents and, you know, they met in college many years ago. They went to, they're both from Ohio. So it's so interesting when people are like, where are you from? Most of my family lives in Ohio. and when they got married, they moved around a few times and then they settled in Buffalo, New York. So I was born in Buffalo, New York, raised in Buffalo, New York. And then my parents got divorced when I was very young and, you know, my father moved on to someone else and, my mother decided to just go back to school and focus on herself. And she got a job as a teacher in Rochester. She always enjoyed education. She's an amazing educator. and she got a position in Rochester, New York after completing her second degree at Medi College in Buffalo. And she moved us from Buffalo to Rochester and in 97. And so that's where, you know, that whole transition moving from Buffalo to Rochester. happened. And, yeah, and that whole experience was a huge culture shock because living in Buffalo, we had very humble beginnings, extremely humble beginnings. We lived actually after my parents got divorced and my mom left, we actually moved to the projects of Buffalo. I'm not sure. I know you went to college in Buffalo. And, Pine Harbor Apartments is right downtown by the downtown area of Buffalo and it was Pine Harbor and Shoreline. projects. And I mean, it was rough. And there was a school right behind there called Waterfront Elementary School and was a magnet school. And I went to the same school from kindergarten to eighth grade. And, um, so when I moved, when we moved from Buffalo to Rochester, And we moved to Brighton, which is right outside of Rochester. It was a complete culture shock.

Portia:

Right.

Melissa:

I mean, we graduated high school together, Portia. How many black kids graduated our class? What is it?

Portia:

I think we counted at one point, but

Melissa:

yeah, it

Portia:

wasn't that many of us.

Melissa:

It wasn't.

Portia:

It wasn't.

Melissa:

And so culture shock, and not only did we, did I go from living in the projects, then moving to Brighton, New York, where we graduated five black kids in our class, it was a predominantly Jewish high school.,and I definitely feel like that all shaped who I was. Getting that duality of just like having humble beginnings to something a little bit more elevated. which definitely curtailed the palette that I have now. It all makes sense.

Portia:

But you, I mean, you came there with your own little style and all of that going on. Like you kind of already were, you had your, your, you were pretty confident in, in self and you had your style and you kind of brought some of that there. Well, you got there.

Melissa:

I think back then we was wearing Fubu, Fubu,

Portia:

and Aniche. You were wearing New York and Company. That's what you were wearing.

Melissa:

New York and Company for sure. It was Lerner New York. Lerner. Right. Yeah. For sure. I definitely had several Barrett Sims. The Wheat Constructs for sure. Those was my favorite. I didn't really like the other colors. But I definitely felt like it was indicative of the time where, where I was brought up in all of that for sure, And I felt like that was different coming into high school. in that. And, you know, I definitely think that all of those experiences and I feel like it was such a blend because even with my parents divorce and my father moving on, he got with a woman who I consider my stepmother. They never legally got married. Her name was Karen Jeffries. And, you know, I still keep in touch with her. she actually was a Delta, she wrote my Delta letter. We'll get to that part, I guess, later. but yeah, she was also an educator and she had, a wealth of different experiences and definitely liked the finer things in life. Which I felt like helped shape me to who I am. She would go to like Toronto and get fur coats, I remember that. And just say, oh, you have to go to the fur district and get your fur coats, it's so much cheaper. And da da da da da. And so I think a lot of that I brought with me, I think, you know, obviously into high school, um, my dad and, you know, my stepmother also were very instrumental in getting me music lessons and teaching me about black culture, in their way, because, you know, a lot of the schools back then, they just didn't teach us. And just having pride in culture. And I think that being exposed to the things that, like, my stepmother exposed me to, obviously my mom and my dad, but I think the three of them did a really good job at trying to make sure that that co parenting relationship, although not ideal, was good because When you're a child, that's the priority, right? So make sure that they are well situated, well adjusted. And so getting music lessons, like I played the saxophone, I played the piano, learning music. I have a healthy appreciation for music. And although I didn't continue on that track again, it was the cultural element that I gleaned from and being able to know things and learn things. The historical background about music, I think is extremely important. And I think, you know, that all helps shape. The woman that I had become and then of course, after high school, because I'm like, okay, I definitely want to get exposed to more black cultural things. Like I had such a hunger for that and you know, Brighton was cool. Brighton taught us a lot. Right. Yeah. But it did teach us the roots of who we are as black people. In the way that I didn't get until I decided to attend an HBCU. So I think we started, what, when did we go to that college tour? Sophomore year. That was, that

Portia:

was junior year. Yeah, we were 11th grade. Yeah. It was good, but we didn't, well, it was, we didn't, I don't know if you went to visit Clark at a different time. We didn't get to, we didn't go down to the downtown south college tour. We did Penn did the Pennsylvania tour. Maryland, DC Virginia. Right.

Melissa:

Oh, for the listeners. I know for the listeners, Portia and I went on a college tour and that college tour, although, so I remember it was every other year, depending on like the regions in the states that, um, Ms. El Amin did, right? So the year we went, she did the Northern HBCU. So from Pennsylvania down to Virginia, Maryland is where it stopped. And then the opposite year, she would do. Maryland down to Florida.

Portia:

Right.

Melissa:

So, interestingly enough, the Northern HBCUs, I did not, I did not attend. I ended up going into, going to Clark Atlanta University, but that college tour was so pivotal for, I think, all of us that attended. Because it showed us, like, the campus life. We went, like, during when they were in class.

Portia:

Yeah.

Melissa:

And we got full tours from, um, their orientation, you know, people that, you know, would show us the, the campuses. And I remember us being able to take like pamphlets and being able to read up on everything and really being able to decide like, if this is the path that we want it to go down, right.

Portia:

And

Melissa:

after attending that college tour, I was completely sold for sure.

Portia:

Yeah, me too. Um, yeah, I mean. I was, I didn't go to HBCU, but I really, really, really enjoyed that tour. For clarity, we, we went to, Lincoln in Pennsylvania, Cheney in Pennsylvania, Morgan State in Baltimore, Bowie State, Howard. We didn't get a formal tour of Howard, but we were able to stop by.

Melissa:

Yeah, that's right. We went to Norfolk

Portia:

State and Hampton. Did I miss any? I think that's it.

Melissa:

I think that's it. That was a good, that was a good stretch of schools that we attended. And it was so organized because like we had the different hotels that we stayed in. I remember we went and stopped in Philly. We had Philly cheesesteaks.

Portia:

We did stop in Philly. I remember now. Yes, we did.

Melissa:

But yeah, we, we stopped there and we referenced that college tour often, like one of the pivotal times we talk about the golden time of day that definitely was, I think the start of like several different golden times, you know, deciding where I wanted to go to college was so Important. And for me, it wasn't an option. Both of my parents met in college. They went to Ohio university. So, and their best friends in college are my godparents, you know, to this day, you know, they're all still tight, you know, and I was going to college. That was what it was. Right. So my father and stepmother didn't stay together and he ended up moving to Atlanta when I was in high school. I think I was a sophomore. When he moved to Atlanta and at that time he said, well, since you didn't get a chance to see any of the Georgia schools, I'm going to create your own little college tour. So spring break of, I don't know if it was my junior or sophomore year, he had me visit. All of the schools like in the immediate area. So we set up like you can call ahead as a parent, you can call ahead and say, you know what, can I request a tour and they can set it up for you. So he did that for a few of the schools. So we did Georgia state. We did, um, Kennesaw state. which I really liked Kenesaw because I had a really good business program, um, Georgia Tech. And then he ended with Spelman and Clark Atlanta. And I remember specifically Clark being the last school. And because I had a friend that had gone to, um, the church I attended in Rochester. Kayla had gone to Spelman, so I had just called her because she was a little older than us and I visited her when she was at Spelman and spent some time there. And so that was kind of like my little mini tour with her. And then the last school I visited was Clark Atlanta. And I really liked it because it wasn't just an all girls school like Spelman was, but it was still the HBCU that I kind of really wanted to experience. Like, I craved that. And so, funny story, and this is a true story of how I got into Clark. My father's, my father's boss was dealing with somebody in the restaurant. Oh my gosh. Yep, it's a true story. Oh gosh. My father's boss was dealing with somebody in the registrar's office. I'm not going to say this person's name. And because they had like a little thing, he was like, yo, that's how my dad would talk. Yo, you know, I'm gonna see what he can do. Cause I didn't have the best grades in high school. That was another thing. Like when I went to Brighton, like. That transition from like the school I came from to like this very high standard school, I struggled. So my grades in high school were not the best. And so we were just trying to like, see how I can get in with the grades that I had. And so he was like, I think I can make a call. Right. That was his head thing. And he did. He did. He made a call. And she was able to pull a few strings and that's how I got into Clark. True story. Okay. I, I don't think I knew that. And the rest, as they say, was history. The rest, as they say was history. I. Loved my Clark Atlanta experience. I wear Clark on my back. I was just volunteering just this past weekend at a college fair representing Clark Atlanta. I loved everything about it. And just like my parents having their closest friends that they're still friends with, like a lot of my really close friends are my college, friends that I've had. I pledged at Clark Atlanta. I'm a member of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority Incorporated, proud member for now 20 years. We just celebrated 20 years. And it's like a family. One of the things that I love the most is that Clark is really like a family. It's not a huge school like North Carolina A& T or Howard or Hampton, but the population that we do have gives you the opportunity to make real, genuine, intimate connections. And that's important. So important. So when we go back to homecoming, it's literally like a family reunion.

Portia:

Right.

Melissa:

And we're also very proud and our notable alum is like extensive. You got Kenya Barris, Pinky Cole, the list goes on, but then you've got some of the older, graduates, Carter G. Woodson, things like that, The history is just crazy because it was Atlanta University and Clark College that merged. We're the only university in the a UC. So there would not be a U in the a UC if it wasn't for the C or the A. Spelman College. Morehouse College. There are colleges. We Clark Atlanta, we can confirm masters in doctoral degrees. Where the other colleges cannot. No shade. We love each other. But that just, to me, makes us that much more special and makes us as graduates that much more proud. So that's that. And then after graduation, I majored in fashion merchandising and design, which was kind of odd cause I started as a business major.

Portia:

Was it odd though?

Melissa:

Um,

Portia:

now, why do you say because, because I mean, you loved fashion, right? And I don't feel like that was an odd major for you. Didn't you have like a minor or two though? Like,

Melissa:

yes. So. That's actually, this, this actually just triggered a thought. I had applied, when I was applying for colleges when we were in high school, I had applied into FIT and got in. I remember. I don't remember. You went to, yeah, you went to, um, Stony Brook.

Portia:

Yes, for a year.

Melissa:

In New York. So, this will tell everybody about timing, right? Because you know what I'm about to say.

Portia:

Why didn't you go to FIT?

Melissa:

Because my parents were like, Oh, where are you going to live? They weren't very familiar with New York city, you know? And like, where are you going to live? You know, you, you would need an apartment. You're still so young. And FIT was only a two year school at that time. And they really wanted me to go to a four year university. I

Portia:

didn't even know that. Like, I didn't even know. Yes. It was only a two year school. Let me tell you

Melissa:

about timing because it is 2001

Portia:

now. Yeah.

Melissa:

You know what I'm about to say.

Portia:

Yeah. So. Remember where I was at. It

Melissa:

was September 11th. Right? Yes. September 11th, that fall, I never forget my mom was like bawling when it all happened. Of course, a huge tragedy that the, that the country, the world had experienced, right? And she was just like, you would have been right there. Yes. Technically she's right.

Portia:

You, yeah.

Melissa:

If I had attended FIT, she's like, you would have been right there. So everything really does happen for a reason. And that was one of those things that I was just like, Oh, wow. Right.

Portia:

Yeah. I mean, I was like an hour and a half away.

Melissa:

Yeah. Like, cause I remember calling you and phones, of course, weren't working. Then

Portia:

no

Melissa:

one could get through. But I remember calling you specifically because I'm like, she could be going to lunch. Oh my God. It was crazy.

Portia:

Like I wasn't directly affected, but I was. It was, you know, third party affected, you know, several of my people that I knew they couldn't get home. Yeah. My roommate lived on Staten Island. She couldn't get home. Like there were people that I knew that knew people that were affected or unfortunately passed away, you know, or couldn't be found in the rubble. Like it was, it was, yeah.

Melissa:

Absolutely. It is, um, not lost on me. The, the way that God covers us in ways that we don't see and in the way that we have to trust that there is a bigger plan at play and timing is everything. So, Yes, I have always loved fashion, wanted to go to FIT. That's like the one of the top schools, right? We lived in New York state. Why not? And it was in state fees, right? But my parents stopped it. They just was like, nah, I think no. Right. So I go to Clark. I'm still getting what I wanted because it's the HBCU. And I remember going down for orientation that August. We had settled on it, and by the way, I had applied to a bunch of HBCUs, I only got accepted into two because of my grades. Clark Atlanta being one of those two that I got accepted into. And so it was like meant to be, I really wanted to make that work and it was meant to be. And so we get there and we're doing the orientation and I never forget again, this is summer 2001. Aaliyah dies.

Portia:

So many things happened. Two weeks

Melissa:

later, yes, Aaliyah dies in the plane crash. And then two weeks later, it's September 11th. So our generation, we're like traumatized still going. Yeah. Because we're going into like, into all of this, right. Just to start our college career. And I think this is a big reason why we're so resilient. Because we've just experienced a lot in a young, at a young age, at a very young age.

Portia:

And still experiencing. It's not fair.

Melissa:

It's been a lot. And these are things that you can share with your children, like, this is what we've experienced. These make the stories of, what our parents talk about, different things that they experienced, the civil rights movement or whatever, like. My grandmother talks about the great depression, like all of these things that, this was our pivotal generational thing, these huge. Life changing world changing things. So anyway, so back to that. So love that did major at Clark Atlanta Fashion Merchandising and Design after Starting off as a business major. So I had most of my credits in business So I did keep that as a minor and changed my major Officially my junior year and I had to play catch up because, you know, I had basically spent half of my time there, in the business school. I was miss business school my sophomore year. Like I was, really heavy into that. I was like gonna be an entrepreneur. That's what it was going to be. But the fashion thing just always kept calling me, I guess. And I loved it. I loved all of my classes. I think that once I changed my major, like school and classes and like my time became. a lot easier for me. Things made more sense. I signed up for an internship through another university. We have, um, I crossed university connections with other schools. So I had an internship through AIU to go to London. So I spent an entire summer in London and I interned at a company called Modus Publicity. It was a fashion PR and marketing company because I was more, not necessarily heavy on the design element. I didn't want to be a designer. I really wanted to get into fashion merchandising, fashion business. And so that was something that I was really passionate about. And I did that and it was an amazing, amazing time. I remember coming back from my internship, like feeling so energized about my future and my career and, you know, all of those things like. Everything's going to be great. And now it's time to find a job. Right. What are we going to do? Right.

Portia:

The hard part.

Melissa:

I did everything right. I'm checking all the boxes. Right. I did the internship. I, you know, grades now. And what do we do? So that part was tricky. Finding, like, that job, right? Because in my mind, I'm supposed to be living this big, fabulous life. I'm supposed to be a buyer on, in New York, you know, on 5th Avenue, and having this fabulous apartment. Like, I'm supposed to be like Christina Applegate in Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead. Like, I'm supposed to be that. Or Lisa Turtle from, uh, Save Myself. That was what I was, like, my life was supposed to be that, right? Mm hmm. No, it didn't happen that way. It did not happen that way. So after college, I started working. at Bloomingdale's in Atlanta, at Lenox Mall. And I got into like a management training program. And so like, that was like the best I could do with what I had. And I had this internship and like, they were like, okay, well, here's this retail job. And I worked at Bloomingdale's for four years,

yeah.

Melissa:

In all different departments. I started off in shop for women, then I worked in domestics. And then my final department that I worked was in the cosmetics department. I met these, I met all kinds of different people. In fact, real talk, Kim, she was at the Estee Lauder counter. It's so, it's so amazing to see her story. It's crazy. Everybody follows her. But I remember when she was working at the Estee Lauder counter.

Portia:

Oh, she was working there. All

Melissa:

up in there.

Portia:

Oh, I didn't know she worked there.

Melissa:

Yep. And so proud of her journey. She's amazing. And you know, her walk and her faith with, with God. You know, she definitely has a story. Everybody has a story, but that's just around the time frame that we worked there. And I mean, we met everybody that would come in there. Usher would come in there and shop. Yeah, Lennox.

Portia:

Lennox is

Melissa:

absolutely, you know,

Portia:

the place to be.

Melissa:

Absolutely. And again, just like the people that I still keep in touch with in grade school, high school, my Bloomingdale's family. I still keep in touch with them. I still keep in touch with them. I think a common thread in my story is the, the gift of connection in the longevity of the connections that I keep. My father taught me at a very early age, don't throw people away. And the connections that I have, my network is Very, very large. And I don't take it for granted. And I don't try to capitalize on my network because I know all kinds of different people. Some people are famous, most people are just salt of the earth, right? But I genuinely look at the heart of people and my one on one connection with those people to me is like one of my superpowers because I've been able to have that longevity. Like at Homecoming, I saw two people that I used to work with from Bloomingdale's and I was able to kick it with them under the tent and it was so great seeing them. And we reminisced on those days when I worked, when we all worked at Bloomingdale's. And it's just amazing that that longevity of connection has just been the sustainable thread, I would say.

Portia:

Quick question, did you and I know, like you mentioned, the resilience of our generation. And of course, so many of us may not have been able to take the paths that we envisioned for ourselves when we graduated college. Do you ever like mourn what your career, what you wanted it to be?

Melissa:

I used to not anymore. Like, I'm not working in fashion at all anymore. Right. Um, I used to, and, and I think that it's because I have now realized that the path that we may have wanted may not be the path that God has for us.

Portia:

Yeah, that's what I realized recently, too. And I

Melissa:

think the moment we accept that, the more we walk in alignment with the path that is laid for us. I think it's a part of the path and two things can be true at the same time, right? I worked in it. I worked in it. I did it. Was it to the capacity that I ultimately wanted? Probably not, but I can say I've had the experience in it. But there were times and I think we're going to get to that when I got laid off the first time then we're getting the series of layoffs. When I got laid off the first time was with Bloomingdale's and I was really, that was the first time I've been laid off. I was devastated and I was young. I didn't have a lot of money saved. I moved back to Rochester. This is like 2009 Obama had just gotten a knock. So from the time we graduated college, So then I was living in Atlanta, that whole time. So I was devastated. I didn't want to come back to Rochester for what? I

Portia:

know. I

Melissa:

remember. Who's there? Who there? I was there, girl. Who there? You were there, and because we had such a history of friendship, it was like, that's cool. But it was like getting used to being back. First of all, the weather. Let's talk about that. I mean, you were

Portia:

gone. I mean, let's just Keep it a buck, like 2001 to 2009, like, yeah, you were in college. You may have come home for, you know, a break or two, but for Atlanta was where you had been. So that was another. Transition. I mean, having to come back home.

Melissa:

Absolutely. And what I, I also didn't mention, cause I want to make sure this, the holistic lens of what we're talking about is during that time, I also went back to school and got my master's the year after I graduated at AIU because I had the internship there. I had an in, right? So the internship that program that I did my junior year, they had all of my information and they had a master's program. They had a campus in Buckhead near my job. So I would get, I got my schedule, shout out to Corey who I still talk to. He was my manager at the time. He was able to work my schedule out so that I could get off and go to classes at night. And I did that I was in an 18 month master's program and got my MBA during that time as well. So imagine now being laid off and I have this whole master's degree that I had just gotten two years prior and I'm like, what? I didn't have a lot of money saved. My whole financial whatever was just like, what? And then I just was like, the only thing I could do is go back home. And I couldn't, my dad lived there, but like my dad was very much the like Rolling Stone type. And I just was like, nah, I just need a little bit more stability. And just, yeah. So. My mom was like, just come home. So I did. And I think during that time, Portia, is when I was very much grieving and mourning the life that I had in Atlanta and the industry that I loved so much, which was fashion. And like, Rochester just didn't give me any of that. So I felt like we went into a whole creative space at that time. Like, how can I bring fashion to me? So I started a blog. I started a blog. You definitely

Portia:

made the best of it. Yes,

Melissa:

I did. It's called the fabulous Mad Hatter. I had, two people that were, helping with the blog. And, it was great cause I was able to leverage. digital stories. And this was right around the time like Nicole Bicci was starting, Fashion Bomb Daily was starting, like all at the same time. And, it was very small, but mighty. And, I had a consistent posting schedule. I learned a lot about like Twitter was heavy at that time and how to post and how to get things scheduled and how to publish. And I taught myself different kinds of coding, because we were using, what was it called? Blogs, blogspot. com. Yeah. I was using blogspot, but I wanted to elevate it because they have very basic templates. So I like taught myself code. I think it was like C plus plus at that time. That sounds about right. And, I had a men's editor and then I had a women's editor and we had meetings and everything. And I was like the head of it. I had these, flyers and I was dipping my toe into brand partnerships too at that time. Like, how can I partner with different people to kind of get into, these different spaces. And so I still had this network in Atlanta. So. Anytime I would come into town, I would be like, can I like co sponsor or can I help out or whatever, just to get my logo and my name out there. And then of course, the Rochester market, although small, they had some strong creatives there. I will say one thing about Rochester that is very, very prominent is like a lot of people are entrepreneurs

Portia:

and

Melissa:

learning how to properly set up a DBA and a business and an LLC, like People in Rochester were beasts at that, for sure. And, so I got heavily involved in that. Also looking for, full time work because starting a blog wasn't really generating a lot of money and I needed to pay my bills. And so, I started looking, I basically sat in the house looking for work and blogging. And so, I eventually did get another job. with a company, I'm not going to say that company's name. And I worked at that company for six years.

Portia:

Yeah, you gave them a lot of time.

Melissa:

A lot of time. And this particular company was more in tech and mobility. I'll just say that. So I'm using a completely different brand because I never worked in like tech anything. That started my project management career because they would have me do special projects and then understanding the IT mindset. Right. And I think at that time. Tech was really starting to ramp up. You got the Googles of the world, the, the apples of the world. And I'm in it, like we're in it because the company that it was, we're in it from a mobility perspective, but we're in it. So it really kind of like, okay, then it's course there's the money, right? So the money's a lot better. And I'm like, Oh, I can really make this shake. So I'm blogging. I'm working at this company. Things are going well, and I'm, I'm doing quite well at this company. So the better I did in my corporate life, the less and less time I was able to devote. To the blog. So I was like in this balancing act of like trying to figure out what does that look like. And then through me wanting to do partnerships and sponsoring and then marketing through the, the name of like the blog, I got myself into some trouble and Portia got me out of it. It wasn't your fault. I feel like I need to tell this story because I've never talked about this publicly. I feel like I need to tell this story. So I was very much into brand partnerships before it became like a thing. Yeah. I was producing a fashion show.

Portia:

Yeah. You were doing a lot. You were doing the marketing PR branding umbrella. Like you were doing events. You were, you had the blog like you were doing. He was making a shake the time that you, the time that you were in Rochester, I will say that you used that time wisely.

Melissa:

And the brand was elevating, like the Fabulous Mad Hatter, like, you know, and then it was, I abbreviated to TFMH. TFMH was definitely, we were, really trying to get out there. I had a presence at the fact that the magic show in Vegas, the male editor, he would go to Vegas. My female editor was still in Atlanta. I'm in the New York area. So like we would come together. It was really like, we, we really had the blueprint of making it so much even bigger than what we did. And so I was producing these fashion shows. I did several fashion shows and this one particular fashion show, I was supposed to book the talent in this particular talent. They wanted Lauren London. So I used my resources to get in touch with Lauren's people and pay the deposit. And it was a whole scam. I

Portia:

thought it was Angela. It was

Melissa:

not her people.

Portia:

Wasn't it Angela Simmons?

Melissa:

That was the second choice. Oh, okay. First choice. No! The first person was supposed to be in London and like, I genuinely thought I had the right right because I reached out to my contact. This wasn't like a blind thing and I'm representing a client. So I'm like, perfect. We got her. Pay the deposit. Oof. It was a whole game. I probably have not been so embarrassed in my entire life since then. I've been embarrassed before, but I was so embarrassed. I was embarrassed for various different reasons because I also worked in my corporate life with the clients and we had taken it off line to do this project, which was this fashion show was a charitable fashion show and I had to, I had to tell the client like that I lost their deposit and that the talent was not coming. All this advertising had gone out that this particular person, Lauren London was coming. And then eventually Lauren London's people, actually the real Lauren London's people were like, We are so sorry. That's, but that was

Portia:

not us. Not us. Hmm.

Melissa:

I was so sick. Sick, So I had to come up with the po I had to, I had to reimburse the client out of pocket. Mm-hmm And I had to do it quickly because we worked in our corporate life together. And I'm like, this could be ugly really quick. So. Devastated. Devastated. And so, um, anyway, you, Portia. Does Portia work in PR in LA? She don't talk about that, but I'mma tell, I'mma tell the listeners, Portia. I was like, she's worked in PR for years, LA, New York, Atlanta, you've worked a few different places and you were the one that got me the right connection for another talent. He was also very much okay with the second option was Angela Simms. He loved her. And I think that it ended up working out even better.

Portia:

Okay. Yeah. So it's coming back to me now. Okay. Got it. Yeah.

Melissa:

Yes. We were able through your connection with able to connect. Her manager was a soror, so once I found that out, it was an alley oop, like I picked it up and ran with it and it was perfect. And we were able to book her security shout out to feel safe in Rochester, who I would always use to do my security for any of the talent that I would book. Um, It was amazing. It was amazing. We put her at the nicest hotel. Her writer was real simple. She was very not fussy, very approachable, very amenable. One of the best talent. And like, when we would book talent, we would book everything. We did full glam. We booked KP to do her makeup. We booked Gina to do her nails. feel safe in her security. Um, so when I tell people, like we know people from like, when they first started, I'm so proud of everybody. Cause these individuals have now blown up KP.

Portia:

I

Melissa:

mean, everybody, and we remember him when he was at the Mac counter at marketplace, like, and he's still the same, like. So humble, so sweet. Um, and that's what we were doing back then, back then. And I learned a lot from that experience. And thank you for getting me out of that. But again, connection, like had I not known you and your background and everything that we've been through. Personally, not professionally, like that was huge, huge just to be like, girl, I need some help.

Portia:

Yeah. And shout out to Angie, Angie Pearson, who I called, I kind of made her my mentor, unofficial mentor, but she was my PR connect who taught me a lot about the business. She's worked with celebrities since the eighties, nineties and still does. And she provided. A lot of women in PR with contacts and provided a platform for people to reach out to other people when they needed contacts. So that's how I was able to do that too. So shout out to Angie.

Melissa:

For sure. For sure. And I was forever grateful. I've never talked about this publicly because I was still so embarrassed, but I think it's pivotal. I think the theme here. And I keep going back is the power of connection, the power of being able to pivot, or just understanding that like there is a bigger power at play and to continue to walk forward in the path that God has for you. Like I'm very much all about the business of whatever God has for Melissa, that's what I'm doing.

Portia:

Right.

Melissa:

I don't know what it is all the time, but that's the vibe I'm on. That's what I'm doing over here. So, um, so that was that. So where are we at now? Timeline wise?

Portia:

Uh, Rochester and you haven't moved yet. You haven't moved, but you about to move. I have not

Melissa:

moved yet. I have not moved yet. So let's speed this up a little bit. So I'm like, I can't stay here no more. I can't live here no more. What are we going to do? So, because I had my MBA, I would get, and I was, I had been a part of the national black MBA association for years, still am. And, they have conferences every year. So 2013, I attended the national black, MBA conference and it was in Houston that year. My line sister, Deanna, who's one of my best friends, she was also going. So it was a no brainer. I was like, let's do it. So I went down there and I set up, you can set up pre interviews depending on how well your resume is received because it's a whole process prior to the conference. And I had been paying to have interviews with Bank of America. And coke. So I'm like, okay, perfect. This sounds right up my alley. I think one other company. So I took vacation from that corporate job, and went down there for a week for national black NBA conference. And, it was great. So bank of America was definitely looking at me. They were headquartered in Charlotte. I met a few people there, um, that I'm actually still cool with to this day from that conference. And then for Coca Cola, Coca Cola was definitely like, we want you to come to this private reception. You get a plus one. Well, Deanna did not, she wasn't even tapped in to them. And I said, Deanna, you want to come with me to this conference? So the, private reception from Coke, she said, absolutely. Do you know, they didn't recruit me. They liked me just fine. They ended up recruiting her.

Portia:

I'm glad she went.

Melissa:

And she worked for Coke for like eight years.

Portia:

That's

Melissa:

a true story because I brought her along. And so I came home not having a job and I was like, man, it was still a great experience, great connections, but I didn't land anything from the conference. The company that I worked for, they got wind that I. was looking for work. So they came at me like, listen, we got this opportunity and what do you think? And so both of the opportunities were out of town. One was in Texas and one was in Charlotte, full relocation, but it was a lateral move. So I would basically stay in the same world that I was in. But just in a different city, but it was a full relocation package,

Portia:

and you know, these companies don't do it like that

Melissa:

anymore. Not really. Not anymore. So I chose Charlotte because it was closer and I moved to Charlotte January of 2014. So this January will be 11 years since I've been in Charlotte. I know it went by really quick, but yeah, long

Portia:

time, long time.

Melissa:

And I stayed with that company an additional year and a half before I left and got into my full project management career. And so I have been. Doing project management officially since a year and a half after, I left that company. And it just made sense, like project management, like from an organizational mitigation for risk, planning perspective really spoke to a lot of the skills that I had learned from that company. And again, the math was much more mapping at that time. And I'm like, yeah, I can really, really make this into a for real career. And so that's what I did. And then that's when the other layoffs started to happen. So now I'm making money, like making real money, like we've cleared six figures money back then. And I'm like, okay, great, but I'm not doing anything creative. I'm really just focusing on corporate and here comes the layoffs. To date, I have been laid off five times from five different companies corporately.

Portia:

I didn't realize it was your face because I didn't realize it was five. Sheesh. I only remember like, okay, maybe three at the most. Bloomingdale's.

Melissa:

Um, yeah, Bloomingdale's, Compucom, Duke. Well, technically Duke fired me, but that's a whole nother story. Mmm. Um, XPO. We can get there because that's circled back. That's circled back. Yeah, so, five times. So what does that mean? I'm like, and each time was different. Bloomingdale's was the most devastating. Because

Portia:

it was the first one.

Melissa:

Then when it happened the second time I'm like, more in panic mode. When it happened the third time, It was again, technically they just terminated my contract the fourth time. I'm like, God, what is happening? And the fourth time happened right, right during COVID. So it was like, okay, God, what is happening? Like, what am I not doing? Like I've checked all the boxes, right?

Portia:

I mean, I mean, it could be a couple of things. It could be these jobs ain't loyal. It could be, you just gotta. Stay ready. So you don't have to get ready. Like, I don't know, because that's kind of like how I've been feeling the last, what, two years. Like, what am I doing wrong? You know, with these jobs, like,

Melissa:

what are we doing now? At this point? Now I'm a lot older, a lot more mature, a lot more experienced. The corporate game is no joke, right? As black women, you know, We are never celebrated. We often work 10 times harder than our counterparts for little to no recognition. We go into situations where we're often the only person that looks like we do. The higher you go up, you're never really gonna see another black woman or another black face. You might see a brown face that's like of Asian, South Asian descent, Indian descent. But you're not going to see a black face. No, we're often assumed to be the admin or the coordinator. Right? Yep. That's a real thing. Oh yeah. That is a real thing. And then there's the cultural colloquialisms that they don't understand or get. Right. I would hear is really weird things. Like if I saw another older black woman, I would call her miss. So and so I never forget. I had a manager say, why don't you call her miss? Whatever she's, you know, I said, because I'm giving her respect. That's how I was raised, she's an elder. I don't give a damn where we are. She's my elder. So yes, I'm going to say miss. Oh, see, they didn't, they don't understand that like little things, microaggressions. It is very real. So after the fourth layoff, I decided to start my own business. I said, cause I'm tired, tired.

So

Melissa:

I started my own LLC and I said, I can start consulting and I can do this various different ways. I can bring in the creative piece that I cut. I felt like I was missing that. Right. Like the creative, like not just even in a fashion area, just anything creative, I'd still like need that to make myself feel a level of, uh, fulfillment, I guess. But then also I can control the contracts I take at that time and not necessarily be, at the mercy of corporate America because layoffs are just, they're just going to happen. Apparently they're just going to happen. And you're never prepared. You're never ready. But if I can try to control the narrative a little bit more, I can then just. Contract my skill sets to other companies, obtain those contracts and do that. And so that's what I did. And that's what I'm still doing. I, um, outsource myself as a contractor and I get contracts in. Sometimes I have more than one contract at a time. And then if I have more than two, then I'll start to like, build out an infrastructure. I've had staff, since I've started my LLC, I've had two. virtual assistants. Well, technically three. But my goal ultimately is to scale because I feel like the skill set in the market is really high right now for what companies are looking for. And so, you know, there's money to be made. There is money to be made. And then I still can do my creative stuff through other ways. So now I'm really focusing in on events. So I host a quarterly networking series for women that are just like us. that have stories to tell and need a place of enrichment, not necessarily empowerment. I think a lot of times there's nothing against the empowerment scene, but these empowerment branches and all that other stuff, it gets a little tricky because they're trying often to sell you something sell you a product or tell you how I'm going to put you on sis. That's cool, but sometimes I just want to just be So going back to the common thread of connection, right? So I said this earlier, I'm an only child, so I don't have sisters. Well, one of the things you and I have in common in a kind of interesting way is that my mother has sisters and she's the oldest and you're the oldest of four. She's the oldest of four, you're the oldest of four. And it's interesting, the dynamic, I understand, even though I didn't experience it personally, I understand the dynamic because I'm very close with my family and close with my mom and y'all stories would mirror, right, with the sisters. And the sister chat and all those other stuff. And so I don't relate sometimes though, to the dynamic of having just people in the house that you were always around, I can't relate to that. So having friends were really important. And I went through a whole period of when I was much younger, where it was like. I needed to have friends, like, you know, because I was lonely, you know, I lived, you know, just was just me and my mom and my dad at visitation. So like I would visit him and whatever, like I was lonely. I wanted friends. I wanted that connection. And so as I got older, learning how to be a friend was a important thing to do. And so when you talk about there's a lot of girls that are mean girls, I never subscribed to that because I'm from a genuine place. I just wanted genuine connections. With people, but it doesn't say that I don't see it. I've seen it. I've experienced it. We've talked

Portia:

about it. I mean, everybody doesn't know how to be a friend. Everyone doesn't know how to be genuine. Everyone doesn't know how to really have compassion for others either. You know, sometimes people have businesses and it's really just. I have a product, I'm trying to sell it, I'ma do whatever needs to be done to sell it, but I'm not really connecting with my audience. And that takes time, too. You have to really, really work at it, especially if you're an introvert or you're kind of just shy. I'm, I'm gonna keep it real, like, I want to show up more on social media. But it's so hard for me. It's so hard for me to do. That's all I'm working on. Which

Melissa:

is why I think this is a beautiful thing that you're doing it. I've listened to, I think every episode that you've had.

Portia:

And I appreciate it. This is so

Melissa:

good for you because this is like, this is good for you for so many different reasons, but you know, I often tell you that your talents that you have. From a, not just marketing and PR, you're actually an amazing writer too, right? Thank you. You have so much to say, and you have such a perspective, and I think you dip your toe into different pockets. I dip, I dip. Yeah, that's it. You be so gingerly dipping your toe. But now I feel like this is something that you really have come into your own with. Not everybody is able to do what you're doing and make it so that it is a safe space. We've been talking for now over an hour and it feels literally like we're all the same. And we still have more to talk about

Portia:

too. But. I appreciate you saying that, though. It just feels like the flow. This is your, this is your stage. Yeah, and I appreciate you saying that because, the video podcasts are, are a thing. Obviously. A lot of people are doing them. But I love me an audio only. And that's why I have an audio only right now. Because I know I can show up and still feel comfortable doing it. And I was like, I'm gonna give

Melissa:

y'all a shoulder today.

Portia:

Eventually. Yeah, eventually, you know, maybe this will make it to YouTube. We'll see. But for now, audio only, baby, because I can talk all day. I can talk all day. Yeah. But yes, I do Yeah, I've been seeing a lot more of that, you know when you read like horoscopes and stuff and just like Human design and all these things Most of the time it says that I am supposed to be communicating something to the world I've been saying that for years

Melissa:

I think there's something to that, you know, and the more you lean into it and the more you literally trust the process, I think it's going to continue to organically evolve. And so hopefully, you know, we can continue to see great things. I am not worried about it. I'm not. I was very honored and excited to do this with you because I know. It's bigger than you at this point, and we just have to continue to see what happens.

Portia:

Yeah, it definitely is bigger than me, which is why I want to make sure I keep this going. So, thank you.

Melissa:

You're welcome. So, we gonna get into the grief?

Portia:

Uh, well, I mean, you talked a lot about your career, which is okay. I know. But, I'm glad you spoke about your career though. Cause it actually proves my point about why. This isn't like a career based podcast. You said you got laid off five times fleeting, right? Jobs are fleeting. You can lose one at the drop of a hat. Granted, yes, you are still in the industry that you've been working in for some time and your career is very important, but you lost five jobs. You know what I'm saying? So it's like. That speaks to the goal of my podcast, you know, it's like when I bring people on, I purposely don't introduce people by saying what they do for a living. You see what I'm saying? Because now we're at the point just living in 2024 where like so many people have lost jobs and had to Start new careers or, pivot how many different times and so many people are in survival mode right now, just trying to pay the bills or maybe they're working in a job they don't even want to be in. So it's like, I like that you spoke about the layoffs in addition to. And not saying I'm happy that you were laid off, but it's just real life stuff happened, you know? And you just had to pivot and you had to figure it out and you had to just keep going. Especially when you had to leave, Atlanta and come to Rochester, like that was a huge pivot and you were like, okay, what do I do now? You know? So that is definitely, a huge piece of this podcast and what I am kind of like love for my guests to speak about is that the parts of life where you learned a lesson, the ups, the downs, you know? So I appreciate you talking about that part and you can continue when you're ready.

Melissa:

Yeah. So, um, thank you for that. I definitely celebrate that there's power in the pivot. It's not easy. I think each and every time I've been laid off, I have leveled up even more. But it's exhausting. I have to be, on a like proverbial hamster wheel and like every few years it happens. It's like I can almost anticipate it, but I don't wish it on myself. It's just, it's like a weird dichotomy. So yeah, but there is power in the pivot and all I can say is that through starting my business and being able to try to control some of the narrative that has been very helpful and I try to like help people. Navigate those things. Cause like you said, life just is, it just happens. It's a part of it and you have to have a perspective and kind of a plan for yourself. So when things happen unexpectedly, this is a good segue. When things happen unexpectedly, like how you navigate that is also very important. That could also be considered pivoting, but there's a, there could be a grieving process that comes with that. And how you, how you deal with that. How do you deal with, how do you deal with grief? So, um, yeah. So something else that I don't publicly talk about is, um, in 2021, my father passed away unexpectedly. Um, it was April of 2021. And so this is also like during COVID, like COVID was still very much a thing then. So when you lose someone unexpectedly like that, that you're close with, and like, I opened with like, I'm close with both of my parents, like talk to them every day close. And during COVID, because my dad still lived in Atlanta, I would still go down there because, first of all, Atlanta was never closed. Atlanta was open. I know. For everything. It was like, everything was open. The clubs was open. Everything was open. But I wanted to make sure he was good. You know, my father, his story is really interesting in the fact that, like, my father was quite, quite the character. Huge personality. Um, I mean, his story just briefly is he didn't meet his own father until he was 17. And then when he met his father, he found out that his father, um, was the personal assistant to. Black celebrities in L. A. at that time, my father was a result of a summer fling. And so, um, with, my grandmother ended up, getting married to my, and they had their own father. She, had my aunts, have three other aunts, my father's sisters, and they have a different father than my father. And so my father grew up, feeling away cause he, I wasn't his dad and you know how that dynamic can be. He felt Annie was the only boy. Also the oldest. And so when he met his father and he found out his father was kind of like a notable person, it was like, I'm out. I know my daddy now type of thing. So what I've been told, Andy lived in LA and I think I now know. That him being exposed to that high life also exposed him to certain things and got him started with addiction. And I guess it had been on and off for years. And I will say. Both my mom and my dad did a very good job at shielding me even up into adulthood with how deep it went because I really did not know how deep it went. And I really want to specifically talk about addiction because that is what, that is how my father passed away. My father had a drug overdose. I have never publicly, verbally said that on any platform. I haven't posted about it. I haven't talked about it. But I want to talk about it now because We often think about what a drug addict looks like, right? We see Friday and Felicia and all, you know, we see all these things. Addicts do not look like that all the time, right? This man was very functioning, held jobs. Brilliant. One of the smartest minds that I know. Um, degreed, can argue you down, had a perspective on all things politics, sports. Very articulate. The biggest heart, he could be some type of an asshole, but had the biggest heart, love for family. You know, we had an amazing relationship. And he had his, he had his struggles though. He had his struggles. Now knowing what I know now, a lot of his struggles that he had, it all made, it made sense after the fact. So to get that phone call, and I will say, that day was very dark. I was actually out to dinner with some friends. And my aunts, his sisters, called me looking for him because they talked all the time too. They could not find him. And so they're, of course they called me because, you know, we talk all the time. I called him, he didn't answer. I just thought maybe he was sleeping. I kept calling. And so finally the people I was at dinner with was like, they could see the worry in my face. Because it wasn't like him not to answer that many times. And so one of my friends, Desiree, she actually went to Clark with me. She said, I think you may want to do a wellness check. I didn't even know how to do that. Like I didn't know what to do. I'm like, what number do you call to do a wellness check? Like, what do you do? I had no idea. So she told me what to do, you call the non emergency number, I believe, and tell them what your concerns are. And then they go and his car was there, I had just bought my father a car, just pay cash for a car for him cause he didn't have a car at the time. And so they saw the car and identify the car cause I had just bought it maybe like two months prior. I'm like, his car is there. So they go up to his apartment and they open the door and then that's when they, they found him. And then they called me back and that's when they told me. And at that time, obviously I go into shock, but at that time they didn't tell me anything other than your father is deceased, right? They didn't go into details or anything like that. Um, I was like, wow. Um, and I, so I didn't know the cause of death because of COVID. Everything was backed up because people were like exponentially dying. So I didn't get. Any of like the top, like, and I ordered a toxicology report cause they were asking me very strange questions. Like, had he been experiencing depression? Like this is from the coroner's office, like asking me these questions. I'm like, I don't know. I'm like in shock. So because they were asking me all these questions, one of my dad's closest friends said, Melissa, I think you should get a toxicology report. Mind you, they all knew because everybody was hiding this from me all these years. So everyone knew. about my father's addiction. And so, yeah. So anyway, um, that's what happened. And so I want to encourage whoever's listening that it is okay to not feel like you could have changed anything different. Through my process of grief, And when tragic things happen, I have a tendency to be like, what could I have done differently? I didn't know, right? Just like you told me about with the fashion show, you're like, Melissa, that wasn't your fault. Like I struggle with that. Like feeling like, you know, I could have done something different. And so through the grieving process, just understanding that sometimes. People have their own choice and free will to do things that have nothing to do with you. And it doesn't mean that they didn't love you or you didn't love them. But sometimes people struggle in silence and you just may not know what they're experiencing. But it's okay to not internalize that as something that you could have done differently. Because I really thought, like, if I had known I could have mitigated, I'm such a project manager, right? If I had known, I could have, I could have, I could have mitigated it. I could have helped him. We could have gotten him the resources. I just didn't know. I just didn't know. And so, um, it's okay. To not know and to not take it on as something that you could have done. If you just, if they have to, you have to know that that's their own struggle. And sometimes people are just going to be in spaces where they have. They have their own choices to make. And so, um, another thing people don't really talk about through grief is that I had a physical reaction to grief. So shortly after I got the news and I had to go down to Atlanta, shout out to my life sister, Deanna, who. Went with me to his apartment. We had to clean it all up. I don't wish that on my worst enemy and she was very gracious. She had just had her second baby and she still came with me because she obviously knew how close we were and she went with me and I got a few things that I needed to make arrangements and this was literally hours after I got the initial call. And she went with me and we had to clean a bunch of stuff up. And so, um, shortly after that, I started to feel like tingling in my hands.

On the

Melissa:

right side. Then my arms started to tingle. Like my whole right arm started to tingle all the way down my leg. And then eventually I had full numbness on the right side of my body. I didn't know what was going on at first. I'm like, I just need an adjustment. I haven't, you know, I'm stressed, I'm like cramped up. Like I'm stressed. My father just died, right? Like this horrible, You know, drug overdose, like, and I'm, I'm dealing with all this information being come at me at once. Like I didn't know. I'm like feeling guilty. Like I'm absorbing all of this trauma. Right. And so I'm like, I need an adjustment. That adjustment didn't work. Not at all. If anything, I was even more numb,

like

Melissa:

numb, like camp. It felt like you ever like lay on your arm and your arm goes to sleep. Imagine that. Like.

Portia:

And that's scary because that's usually a sign of, MS. MS,

Melissa:

I thought I was having a stroke. I thought I was having a stroke. I'm talking to my nursing for doctor friends. They're like, girl, you and I'm not telling everybody because what, what I now know, I'm not saying anything. They just know that I just lost my father. And so I, my doctor was like, let's do an MRI. This was maybe like two weeks after his passing. And so I get an MRI done, which was a horrible experience. I'm like, people have to do this regularly. Oh my God. Like if you're claustrophobic, God bless. I was like, I should have taken, they asked me for a volume and I'm like, no, I don't need it. I should have taken the volume. Cause you're literally in like, and I'm like, people do this and it's this loud noise. I'm like, Oh, uh uh, this is crazy for like an hour. For like an hour. Sheesh. It was like a long time. I just closed my eyes and was like, and they were like, if you feel like you're about to panic, press the button. I should have, I should have taken in hindsight, I should have taken the value, but anyway, so the results came back and I'll never forget the doctor says, you mentioned your father just passed away, right? And I said, yes. They were like, this is just a reaction to grief, sweetie. I'm glad they told you that

Portia:

though. Yeah. Because I can't even think of a doctor who would even. I mean some doctors will probably just be like well, it's all clear. There's nothing wrong with you and send you home, you know, like the fact that they even mentioned that part and Kind of put you at ease like that's a lot

Melissa:

Yeah. Cause let, let me tell you, I was like, Oh God. And so then I started documenting this and I'm like, let me just do like a quick because I was in a workout chance. I do workout challenges every few years or so. And at that time I was in one and I had abruptly stopped breaking out because of what I was dealing with with daddy. And I was just like, I just didn't feel like it. I was sad. You know, my heart was broken. I was really sad. You know, going, trying not to go into a depression and now my body is numb. And then they gave me Neurotin. They were like trying to figure it out. I fell down a flight of stairs. My mom thought I was going great. Like it was a lot because I couldn't feel anything. So someone, I forget who it was. said to me, just keep moving your body. Your muscles have memory. Just, I know you don't feel like working out, but just keep moving. And so that's what I did. And I just did walking at first, like, cause there were days where I just didn't feel like getting out of bed. And I was just that sad. And I just started walking on the treadmill. I had a treadmill in the house. I did that. And I just did 15 minutes. Then my time increased and then I was back to my old stride and eventually, eventually the feeling came back and I never forget. We, my father wanted to be cremated. He always had said that. And so we did the memorial service a month after his passing. So by like the 30th day, I remember going in the hotel, the hotel had a gym. I love a good workout in the gym at, at a hotel if they have a gym. I remember working out at the gym. And I remember saying, well, I'm documenting this because I like people need to know, like I knew one day I was going to talk about this. I just didn't know it. And I said, okay, people need to know, like this can happen if you're like in shock or trauma or grief. And I said, my feeling, it was the day of his memorial and I did the eulogy. And I said at the workout at the end, I was talking and I said, the feeling in my, my arms, legs and face, because everything was numb. It's coming back. It's not a hundred percent. I would say it's about 80%. I have been just walking trying to get a light workout in and it is coming back. And I'm just so grateful. I feel strong. I feel good. I feel like this is going to be fine. And about 45 days total it took from beginning to end for the numbness to stop. That is a

Portia:

long time. When you think about it, you know, 45 days, people may not think that's a long time. That's a long time to have feel numbness in your body. Yeah.

Melissa:

Yep. And I never forget. So I saw therapy pretty quickly because of the circumstances surrounding the, the, the why my father died and the sudden nature of it. Cause I had just spoken to him hours before this was into reference the day it was the verses. Was happening and it was earth, wind and fire and the Isley brothers. Because we were texting about it, so he literally passed the next day and we were texting about it, so that's the time marker that I have about that. And so, um, yeah, they just don't, people don't talk about all of the things that happened. And I remember my therapist and I, and I sought therapy out pretty quickly because I knew I was like, I'm going to need some, I'm going to need some work. This is going to be a big life change for me. And so I did grief counseling and she said, Well, think about it. 50 percent of who you are is no longer here and 50 percent of your body is new. She said that. I was like, ooh. So you ask about who's Melissa Davis? Okay. Yep. I am comprised of that union, right? So 50 percent of who you are has now transitioned and now 50 percent of your body has gone numb as a reaction. There's a really dope book called The Body Keeps Score. I recommend people who are going through transitions, trauma, grief, however it looks because everyone's trauma is different. I'm speaking about my personal trauma of losing my father. To a drug overdose right after not knowing of years of addiction and years of struggles to prep like years of it, right? The body keeps score. We are absorbing things constantly. We're ingesting information. We have to remember our nervous systems are so fragile, right? To how we maneuver on a day to day basis. I am very keenly aware through that experience. Of what I ingest. I am often in the house with nothing on or light music because my environment is a big part of what we're around and what we absorb.

Portia:

And a lot of us, millennials, not just gonna say millennials, but a lot of us are trying to fix our nervous systems current. Because of all of the years of things that we've witnessed, that we've ingested, dealt with, not dealt with. Um, and this is something that I'll always remember from, and it's my girl, Dr. Joy DeGruy, reading her book, Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome. When she talks about PTSD in the book. She mentions that PTSD can come in so many different forms. You can get PTSD from witnessing a car accident when you're driving down the street. You can get PTSD from getting a phone call about something tragic that has happened. You can get PTSD as a third party, just like hearing that something bad happened to someone else. Like, people don't realize that either. You don't even have to be like directly affected by something for it to affect your body. So I think we just aren't aware of how many things really truly affect us and now Speaking for us and our 40s our bodies are starting to shut down a little bit, you know, cuz like So, we have to now think about, well, hmm, I wonder why this is happening. Huh, maybe it's because I didn't do this, or maybe it's because I've been eating that for all these years, or maybe it's because I've been drinking this, or maybe it's because I don't move my body like I should be. That's me, you know, like all of the things, so it's like nervous system. I'm glad you mentioned that because a lot of people, I don't think really realize how jacked up our nervous systems are.

Melissa:

Yes. Um, yeah, I. And however you get there, right? Mine was because of what happened, to my father. And that's what got me to where I am from an awareness perspective, but I am all about it. Like I'm all about mindfulness, meditation. I enjoy yoga. I do not subscribe to, girl, don't get me started with these people talking about yoga is demonic. I don't subscribe to that at all. And I have very justifiable backed up reasons. Fight me. Um, I love it. I like sound therapy, sound baths, um, you know, opening up your chakras, like all of that in order to calm your nervous system. Right? I think we have to understand that cultural. and religious things are two different things. There's the cultural component, then there's the religious component. I'm not here to tell you, what to do and what not to do. I have my own personal religious beliefs. However, from a cultural perspective, I'm very open. I've always been very open to learning new things and techniques in order for us to be here. We're all here having a human experience. And so if we can help one another to achieve that level of peace, right? Because you can't put a price tag on peace.

Portia:

No.

Melissa:

And however that looks for you, whatever resources that you need to tap into, get there, please get there. But I think the awareness piece of understanding that, like, Just like, you know, you absorb anything like a sponge absorbs water, we are absorbing things to environmentally, emotionally, spiritually. So we have to be mindful what we allow in our space, in a space of when we're trying to heal, whatever we're healing. And that will directly affect who you are, who you are and whose you are and the environments that we tend to keep. So, um, I hope that that is helpful, in terms of what that looks like. And then understanding that, we cannot control everyone's destiny, even if you love them, even if you want the best for them, ultimately, everyone has their own choices to make and has to walk down. You can suggest, recommend and love, but it ultimately rests on the person. And then just also understanding that grief is a real thing and that you may have a physical reaction to grief that people don't openly talk about. Like. I talked about it to people and they, some people were completely like, really, like, wow. And then other people, I saw a post and around my father's, the, the day of his passing, I usually am very reflective and I saw a post last year and there was a, like a carousel of people talking about their reactions to grief. And there were a few people that talked about the numbness and I'm like, man, I'm not alone. We are not alone in this. And the more we talk about it and the more awareness that we have. We can help people hopefully get to whatever level of peace that they're trying to obtain.

Portia:

Right. And so I know I usually ask what was your golden time of day, but it seems like you already answered that question. Based on all of the things you just mentioned and the awakening that you had through grief. Hmm. Um,

Melissa:

I would agree. I would agree. It's still not easy. It is still very much, you know, grief isn't linear. It's all, um, days be good. Some days be not so good. Um, and grief recently showed up with me. I, recently ended a, a four year relationship with someone who I thought was going to be My husband. And so the grief bug kind of creeped up because that's a form of grief letting go of something that you love deeply. Um, and this individual met my father, right? And so I was holding on to that. I ain't gonna lie. I was holding on to that, like that element, that specific. Oh, yeah, of course. Um, like, you know, because whoever else I end up with isn't going to have that opportunity. So, um, so it showed up again. So, um, I think though the tools that I had learned from my father's transition helped me tremendously through that transition in the best of ways, in the best of ways and understanding that you have to do the work. Yeah. You have to say that

Portia:

again.

Melissa:

Don't run away from it.

Portia:

That's the part right there. I think that's what, doing the work. And I have to commend you because you've done the work and you're doing it. Which, like you said, is How you probably were able to navigate. I feel like since that door shut. Yes. Navigate this, this most recent grief. You've been able to navigate it the way you have because you have been doing the work.

Melissa:

I did the work. We can end on this positive note, like the gold gets better. The golden, the golden times get better.

Portia:

Oh, of course.

Melissa:

They get better. And I will say like, I was so scared cause I'm like, I'm at this big age. This was, I was supposed to be getting married. I was supposed to be getting married in Paris. Like I had this whole, like I had this whole thing planned out. We didn't even get into like all this other stuff. I'm not even, that's going to be another podcast for another day. If you do a fertility podcast, let's talk about that.

Portia:

Oh yes. Because

Melissa:

like this was where we were at in like. That door had to shut for very specific reasons. But when I tell you, God has showed out, God has showed out. I have gotten two major awards within two months of each other. One from CAU alumni chapter. Um, of Charlotte and then the other one most recently, like last weekend, through the premier foundation of Charlotte, community resource award, my luxury networking series for women. Lux connect has fully, like it was already a thing, but has taken off in the most beautiful of a ways. And it's continuing. I got another event coming up in December to end the year. Um, I've gotten a new job. One of the jobs that actually laid me off, lay off number three. Circle back, but I'm doing it on my own terms as it is now funneled through my business. Um, she's, trying to explore what it looks like to, be outside again. What does that look like? Cause I was terrified, like to be at this age to start over, I was extremely terrified. And I asked, I prayed a very specific prayer. About God, please increase my faith because I am so scared. I have no idea what's next to start over is terrifying and nauseating, but he has, he has overly exceeded my expectations in a short amount of time. And God's timing. Is exactly that we are not always going to know what the plan is, but we have to fully trust that there is a plan and that he has our best interest at heart and at play. And I'm very grateful for this season, although it wasn't what I thought at all, but I'm very grateful to be in it because I am truly walking in faith and in a good space and a good space mentally, emotionally, spiritually, I'm in a great space. Love. That's,

Portia:

I love to see it, say, hear it, and very happy for you, friend. And, on that note. We can end it there. Thank you for the time. for your time that you took today, the conversation, your transparency, your comfortability and your story. I knew I was

Melissa:

on

Portia:

fire. Did good. And thank and thank my audience for listening to the golden time of day. Please like. Comment, share, and if you are on Apple podcast, please leave me a review. See y'all next time. Bye.